The gift of a whole night’s sleep is refreshing, just about as refreshing as the wonderful laughter that released the tension inside. Some nights I just don’t sleep. Blame it on menopause or the conversations running through my head complete with the rebuttal of words I wished I had said. Perhaps the blame goes to the coffee I drank too late in the day or the sequence of events whirling around so that I simply cannot rest.
During this holiday season with its incessant demands, I often think of Mary. I imagine how that young girl’s racing mind must have caused her to miss out on much needed sleep as she pondered how she would become the mother to the Savior of the world! She was just a teen and I can only suppose how many times she must have thought, “why me”? Did she have a pity party? She knew God was doing a miracle in her because she heard the angel’s proclamation, but could she have envisioned the heartache she would endure in the pain of her dying dreams.
When I get to Heaven some day, I have so many questions for her. How did she endure the uncertainty of her future marriage and the shameful looks of her community? Did God grace her with maturity to handle events way beyond her emotional level? Did she complain about having to travel on the back of a donkey while she was nine months pregnant? I bet she said to herself, “You’ve got to be kidding! I have to deliver my baby in a barn?” I wonder how long it took her to realize that this baby was ultimately not hers. When she looked into her baby’s beautiful eyes, did she understand that she was looking into the eyes of her Savior. The one who would ultimately give His life for hers. As the song says, “Mary did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?” Did God allow time as a cushion for her, too, because she could not have endured all the pain of her life in one sitting?
As Jesus grew, and years passed in her marriage to Joseph, I wonder if she ever doubted the assurance of Joseph’s decisions. Did she and Joseph argue about raising Jesus? I wonder if she watched Jesus be tormented by other kids like mine was. I wonder if she and Joseph argued over how to handle the bullying and how to build up the character of the Savior of the world. I wonder what she thought when she saw Him struggle. I wonder if she felt alone and wished she could control all of the uncertain circumstances around her. Did she share the same hopes that I had for my child. I wonder if she felt like a failure, like I sometimes do.
As Jesus matured in to manhood, I wonder if she was anxious. I can see her bargaining with Jesus because she loved her son, but knew He had a higher calling. As events began to unfurl did she ever say, “What’s next?” while she waited for the next ball to drop, ultimately knowing God had a plan all along. She was fully human like me. Did she chase worry, fear, understanding like I do? Just like me, she had little control over what her child would do and we all know we have no control over what God will do. But did she question, “Can there not be another way?” I bet she longed to just reverse time and just sit and hold Him, rejoin simpler days. Oh, how her heart must have been ripped apart to watch Him mocked and beaten on that cross.
When I think about that miraculous night when Jesus was born, I imagine the glorious feeling of looking at your newborn and realizing that you are holding divinity. You are holding God. God who was fully God came to Earth as a baby, fully human, so that He could make Himself known to me. He knows the pain in my heart because He felt grief himself. This tiny baby, He created the world and yet understands the very human side of me. These words from O Holy Night capture it perfectly…
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels’ voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine o night
O night divine
A miraculous night indeed. Every time I humble myself before Him, I’m right back there, bowing to divinity. Divinity reaches out to me often if I will only sit and be present in it. He was the Christ then and He is the Christ now. Wholly God and Wholly man. Fully divine. Who do I say He is? Do I trust Him with the all the what ifs in my head? Do I trust Him with my fears?
I can get caught up in what I think this season should hold as I purchase gifts that I think my people will love or create expectations that will very likely leave me empty unless I choose to let them go. Or I can choose to see the divinity of Christ and how He fashioned myself after Himself so that He could show me how much He loves me. I can choose to be present and see the gift of Christ amongst the busyness of this season. This ultimate gift was given by God, His only son, and He knows how it hurts to see my children hurt because He gave this precious baby to redeem me. The gift that would result in a sacrifice. The greatest gift of all. Have you opened this free gift? He’s right here waiting for you, you only must choose to receive.
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