I’ve heard that people can die of a broken heart. I’m sure you’ve heard of couples who had been married for 40-50 years and one of them passes. Sadly, sometimes the other dies of a broken heart. Unbelievable grief that leaves a void so empty, that your heart actually physically malfunctions. I now know from personal experience that it’s true. Broken Heart Syndrome. Look it up if you doubt me. I did. It’s a real thing.
The weight of four devastating family situations piled one tragedy upon the other all within one month. I watched helplessly as my loved ones cried in disbelief. True disbelief because no one ever saw any of this coming, but God. I even said, “This is soooo much to bear. What else could possibly happen next?” A suffocating feeling of dread hung on me like a wet coat because the grief of one event had not passed before the grief of the next piled on top. Inescapable sadness pushed me down to where I could scarcely see the light.
In the midst of this, while my faith did not waver, I did question why did it have to hurt so bad. I knew none of this surprised God. I knew He saw everything, but that doesn’t mean I understood. I knew God is good even when life is hard. I knew that His promises hold true that He will never leave me. I knew that He has a purpose in everything. But at times I felt like there was nothing to look forward to or hope for.
All I could do was pray and pray. I don’t know if you’ve ever had such grief that you just want to crawl under the covers and never come out because it is just too painful to watch your loved ones weep. Regardless, please know one fact. You are never alone, even if your feelings lie to you and tell you that no one cares. God is a whisper away and never too far away. I love that. He is never far away. And while hiding might sound like a good way to cope, the problems are still there when you get up. It’s better to keep your trust in Jesus, than yourself. That may sound a little simplistic, but it is true. God is good all the time, even when I can’t see past right now.
If it was up to me, I would have at least spaced the tragedies out a bit. I’ll have to admit, there were days where I was just angry. I had my share of pity parties and crying jags, and I still do. I am human. I believe that you have to feel it all or it doesn’t get better. However, this time, all the feelings became too much. And then the words I murmured before mocked me, I had a heart episode. It mimicked a heart attack and life came to a standstill. Unbelievable. After 3 days in the hospital and numerous tests, I found out that thankfully there were no blockages, but my heart was enlarged and not working properly due to the stress I had allowed to affect me. I was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome. It should recover in time, but for now I must be careful and manage my life better. There is still a part of me that yells, “But you don’t know alllll of what I’ve gone through in the past few weeks!” I can complain all I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I took more on my shoulders than God had designed me to carry. I had a surprise wake up call from God to turn my concerns back over to Him. It is my choice as to how much I allow unchanging circumstances around me to get to me. That may sound a little cold, but I am no less compassionate towards others. I just have to keep passing it to God, because He is the only One who sustains life and He does not need my help.
Today I woke up with the song, It Is Well With My Soul. On three separate occasions this week, God put this song in my mind. This morning I have not let it go. Does it mean that I am okay with all of the suffering I have watched? NO! It means that if I continue to do things my way and try to control what is not mine to control, I will end up in the hospital again and the outcome may be very different. Any degree of worry will not change circumstances, only God can do that. So when I say that it is well with my soul, I mean that I trust my God with it all. He loves my family more than I do. He is the ultimate doctor and sacred healer. He can do what I cannot even fathom. He reached down from Heaven to slow me down and get my attention so that I could see what I needed to see about Himself and myself. He will never leave me and at the same time He hears what my mouth cannot voice. I must give it all over again and again because His hands are so much bigger than the what-ifs in my head.
WOW, AMEN!!!! Talk about his timing…I literally was feeling SO very heavy today… scrolling when I should’ve been praying or reading the word, no doubt. Feeling numb, overwhelmed, sad, and hurting all at the same time, then admittedly guilty For “letting” my feelings’ get to me so much… and I saw your post and clicked on it and so much of what you shared resonated….thank you for being so open and sharing how the Lord is working through these things in your life! Praying for his wonderful healing, all the way around! He is always worthy of our trust and praise. He will not waste any of it. Sending hugs and prayers your way candi! (((♡)))
So very thankful that He will never leave us or forsake us.
Thank you for your kind words. I think of you and your beautiful smile often. You are such a ray of sunshine when you enter a room. I am also guilty of scrolling and feeling less than. But, remember how very loved you are. God knows and has placed us where we are for a purpose. I will pray that God shows you how He is in the details today. Miss you.