This little flower…a symbol of hope in a vast pane of gravel. Life that cannot be restricted. Life that springs forth regardless of the harsh circumstances surrounding it.
I feel like I suppose this little flower might if it had feelings, searching for life giving water in a barren landscape.
I find myself wanting more in this most unusual season. Who would have thought this would last this long?
I long for so many things that I used to take for granted… Beach time. Family time. Eating out. Shopping. Day trips. Hugs. Carefree living. Wandering. School. Fun. Health. Freedom.
I am craving normal.
I wonder if you feel the same? What are you missing?
When this season began and fear ran rampant through the media and my mind, God gave me verses from Psalms which I summarized on my white board...I will rest in the shadow of Your wings. Nothing can touch me except what You allow. This vision of me resting under His enormous wings has calmed me on dark days. It made me think of how the Israelites put blood over their door posts before the Lord passed over and punished the Egyptians. God will not allow anything to touch me except what He allows.
And I questioned God as to why He would allow such difficulties. Why does such suffering happen? In my humanness I fight against it and wonder why I have to go through so much. It all seems so unfair at times.
We have not been unscathed through these most desperate months. As if being homebound wasn’t enough, we have endured medical issues which leave permanent diagnoses and have struggled as our loved ones hurt with voids that cannot be easily soothed. It makes me wonder, “What’s next”?
I have cried rivers and been reminded that God will use this suffering for His good. Some days, I can scarcely breathe or put one foot in front of the other, but never have I doubted that God is in control. I have been angrier than I can remember in a very long time. And I still do not understand. But because I have walked with God through other harsh seasons, I know He will allow me to minister to someone with similar circumstances some day. Right now, my job is to do the right thing even when I don’t feel it. I choose to keep my eyes on today and trust that He knows best.
As the months have crept along, I looked at this board every day to have a concrete reminder that God is in control. Now that circumstances are changing, He has reminded me of this verse. Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” He is singing over me. I cannot tell you how much I miss singing in church. It’s just so different to sing in my own home. I do it, but it’s just not the same. Perhaps it’s better because am so very undone some days. This verse surprised me a little, because it made me think, “What have I done to deserve God singing over me?” I feel so underused by Him right now. Honestly, some days I feel like I just survive. I feel very unworthy.
For whatever reason, God has placed us in our home. Instead of holding church volunteer positions, God has me serving Him here… looking for Him in my own home. And He’s here! I so very wish to be ministering to others in a church setting, but God has me serving my family and friends, and reaching out through this platform. And I’m thankful for it. So, I hope to spread a little hope… just like this little flower.
I want to remind you of some things I have learned…
When my circumstances threaten to implode on me,
He is singing over me.
When my expectations are not met and I feel pushed aside,
He is singing over me.
When my heart breaks under the weight of grief,
He is singing over me.
When my future seems so uncertain,
He is singing over me.
When my feelings lie to me and say there is no hope,
He is singing over me.
When the lies threaten to usurp my peace within my soul which rests on Thee,
You are singing over me. You are my Song, my Source, my All.
Be careful who you listen to. So many overwhelming voices scream and attempt to drown out the truth. But God sees it all. He hears what you cannot voice. He has us safe in the shelter of His wings. We don’t have to deserve it to hear Him singing over us. We are not alone. He alone is our Hope!
Great reminders, Candi. I have finally decided to be content in where God has Placed me instead of resisting.
Thanks for reading Raquel. Sometimes I have to wrestle with God a bit until I can see things differently.