I got a tattoo several years ago that simply says, “But God…” I had just finished a study at church and combined with the stress at home it was to be a visual reminder to me that God has a purpose in what He allows in our lives.
In all honesty, some days I use this phrase as a crutch. I’m human. I doubt. I whine. I let my thoughts wander to…”But God… this isn’t what I want to do.” and “But God… This is not how my life is supposed to be.” or even “But God… why?“
“…but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.”
Psalm 66:19
I have come to cherish this phrase, not so I can use it as a badge to complain, but to reframe my perspective. My tattoo is my daily reminder that I am never alone. When life events suck the air right out of me, I am reminded that none of this surprised God. He is in control. Nothing is hidden from our sovereign God who will indeed use all things for His good. He is still the rock on which I build my life, even when the sand is shifting.
Much has changed since I got
my tattoo, but one thing
remains. God is always faithful,
even when I am not.
My husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2020, as if that year weren’t bad enough. He began to act in ways that were un characteristic for him. Many unexplainable events took place that were in all seriousness just plain weird. So after seeking medical attention and failing two memory screenings, he underwent extensive testing at Loma Linda University Medical Center. Their diagnosis was FTD – Frontotemporal Dementia.
It took me a long time to settle with this diagnosis because he was only 57 at the time and I was 50. So far, we have seen 5 doctors, and the consensus is that this diagnosis stays. In all honesty, I was really mad for a long time. I couldn’t reconcile what was happening with all that was going on. It was a horrible and very confusing time.
“But God, who comforts the downcast,
comforted us.”
2 Corinthians 7:6
But God… He loved me even through the questions and anger and surprise of it all. I never saw this coming. He is the One who has held me tight every day.
Some days are just normal, and some days are truly humbling like when our son had to read the restaurant menu to his dad in a crowded, noisy restaurant. I will never forget the look on our son’s face. And reality set in again. I can’t deny what’s happening, even though I’d like to pretend and say everything is fine. But it’s not.
There is a grieving every time I am surprised by daily events. A sense of loss that leaves a hollowness inside. It affects every part of our life.
We have lost much with this diagnosis. And there will certainly be more losses. But God, He will provide. He will sustain us. He will comfort us. He will cover us.
“My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the
strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26
But God…He has given us a different home during a volatile housing market. We needed to be closer to family because I knew we were going to need a ton of support. He has put wonderful people in our lives who deeply care how my guy is affected in social situations. He has provided financially over and over again in abundance. He has given us a home of peace which is often filled with tons of family and friends. But God… I’m glad I don’t know what the future brings because it might spoil the precious time in between.
I want to be reminded of God’s power every time He answers a prayer, even when the answer is very different than I had expected. I want to hold onto that sense of awe because He knew all along what I would need and He is patient with me as I struggle to figure out how to obey. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that my life doesn’t have to be what I expected for it to be good. It’s in the acceptance of different that I see the face of God working on my behalf. I don’t need to have all the answers, to be able to trust the One who will provide them.
Oh Candi i had no idea about your husbands DIAGNOSIS i am enc by your openness and trust in God. I will be pra
Thank you for your prayers, Judy. I truly believe that God will walk with me through all of this. He will never leave me alone. I pray every day that God puts just the right people in my life every day! I’ blessed to have praying women like you in my life!
Candi,
I pray for your continued peace, i have walked some very hard paths and i know it is not always what we thought it should be. But my life with God, is good for our future. It sustains me in the times of stress and struggle. Thank you for sharing.
I pray for peace for you too! I am at peace and I’m building a life I don’t have to run from. God is definitely the good in our future. I couldn’t imagine my life without God. No life does not have to be what we expected to be good!
Our god is awesome. I am here for u always Candi! Big hugs!
Yes indeed our God is awesome! And I’m truly grateful for your wise counsel and I’ll hold onto those big hugs! I am so grateful you are in my life!
Candi… you are so brave, so strong, so INSPIRATIONAL. I wish i HAD approached Roy’s journey with as much wisdom and faith as you are with Joey’s. God bless you.
I have the fondest memories of Roy and I know you were loving and amazing to him because you have the biggest smile for everyone. Every time I see you, your smile lights up a room! I’m trying to obey God in my walk. I will glorify God in serving my husband. I am determined to meet him where he is and not be negative every time I notice a change. There are many, many words I do not ever say. They would not glorify God. God bless you too my friend!